Strength

The thing I've probably heard the most this week is "You are so strong!" I in no way, shape, or form feel the least bit strong. In fact, I feel like I'm a weak, sniffling mess. I was telling my friend, Lori, this and said "If I seem strong, it's only because I have no other choice." She replied with, "Maybe God made you strong because He knew you'd have to be." I had never thought of it like that. Somehow it gives me comfort.

My pre-op on Tuesday was so incredibly emotionally draining. I sat there thinking over and over again, "This is not real. This cannot be happening." Everyone I came into contact with was so caring and nice. They reassured me over and over again that I'm going to be okay. They require me to wear a big red bracelet from now until surgery that pairs me with the blood they have ordered for me. I hate it. It is an ever constant reminder that this is indeed happening. Brandon called it demoralizing. That pretty much sums it up.

In other news, my PET scan was moved to tomorrow morning. We had some issues with the first facility and decided to move it to the hospital where I will have surgery. This means I will likely not get my results until Dr. Bremer comes in to speak with us before surgery. I have mixed feelings about this. I am okay with waiting a few days more and not thinking about it over my last weekend for a while. However, I hate that we will potentially be getting some devastating news just before I go under. Me, having no time to take it all in, and Brandon, not getting to talk with me about it and hold me while we both cry-good or bad. So, I'm praying they get it done and we get the news Monday.

Thank you to everyone who is praying. I cannot tell you what it means to us.

The Metamorphsis of a Blog...

It's been awhile.  Life takes so many twists and turns.  I've always liked the seasons analogy.  We float along between winter, spring, summer, and fall.  Each season of our life lasting a brief moment in time until the next comes along.  We have entered a new season.

Since the birth of Abram, we've been soaking up the sun of summer.  He is pure joy to be around.  Life is good with him in it.  Since my last post, we built and moved into our dream home, we began homeschooling our two older children, and we have made Houston our home.

I started this blog years ago, way before blogging was cool.  I was suffering from insomnia and blogging gave me a way to get my thoughts out of my head and clear my mind just enough to sleep.  I liked to write about the cute things my toddlers did and said and keep my family updated on all of the goings on in our lives.  Then, came surrogacy.  I loved using it to chronicle our journey to our third child.  I began sleeping (or being up with a baby) and life just became, well, life.  I'm back because I need a place to journal everything going on inside of me.  A place to put my thoughts and visit them as necessary (and hopefully get some sleep in the process).  Our fall...

I started feeling bad at the beginning of the year.  I seemed to jump from sickness to sickness and just couldn't get well.  By the end of February, I decided the incredible fatigue I was feeling, the heart palpitations, and strange pains needed to be dealt with.  I'll spare you the incredible frustration of the last two months and bring you to today.  I have a tumor in my chest.  That has not gotten easier to type or say.  Doctors believed it is what is called a thymoma.  We don't yet know if this mass is benign or malignant.  It has the potential to be either, with about the same odds of each.  Either way, I will have a full body PET scan this coming Thursday to look for evidence of cancer cells and a serious operation the following Tuesday, May 17.  The thymoma sits directly behind my breastbone and just above my heart.  Even if benign, it has to be removed.  No other options.  This will involve open heart surgery.  Needless to say, I'm nervous, scared, anxious, hopeful, and, ashamed to say, angry.  We have been through so much and life was just getting good.  This is not supposed to be happening, yet I wake up each day and it is.  It is absolutely unbelievable.

So, I'm writing again.  I'm going to use this ol' blog to get my feelings out: anxiety, nervousness, fear, hope, anger, and all.  Once again, my blog has transformed.  Let's hope the next time it's spring.

Our Miracle Baby

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Completely, Wonderfully Preoccupied

The last four weeks have been a whirlwind. We welcomed our new addition and everything that goes along with having a newborn, celebrated Christmas, saw family in three different cities- some of whom I had not seen in 15 years!-, and have tried to adjust to being a family of five, all while getting two hours of sleep at a time! Whew! I'm tired. It's a good tired though. I am

so thankful for all God has blessed us with here, at the end of the year.

Abram is thriving. He is now a healthy, awake at night, asleep during the day, four week old. I love him so much my heart feels like it may burst. It's been hard to sit down and put it all in words for two reasons: 1. When I have a spare moment, I do things like shower or eat. 2. How do you put into words what I'm feeling!? I have no clue where to even begin. I'm hoping my heart and mind will get there eventually because I don't want to forget all this...I want it in a tangible form to relive.

Aubrey and Blaine have adjusted well. Aubrey is ever the little mother, watching out for her baby brother and doing things like fetching pacifiers and handing over diapers. Blaine minds his own business. He goes about life as though nothing has changed and the majority of the time it seems as though Abram is invisible to him. I did catch him telling Abram "It's okay little guy." this morning while Abram cried impatiently waiting to eat. Life is good.

Well, there's a quick update. Hopefully I won't be away so long this time. I hope you all had a wonderfully blessed Christmas like us! Next time, I hope to have time to post pictures too :)

The moment we'd all been waiting for...

Dawn started having contractions last Sunday morning at 2am. She let me know around 2:45, but she wasn't sure it was the real thing. This was her 7th delivery and she has always been induced- NEVER had natural labor. We texted back and forth for awhile and then at 4:30, she went to the restroom and saw she was bleeding lightly. She decided it was probably time to get to the hospital- not that anything was wrong, but that that meant it was real. She was still pretty comfortable and really wanted to labor as long as possible at home, but decided she should be checked just to be safe. We got to the hospital about 6am, they checked her and said she was 7-8cm! We were shocked. They went ahead and ordered her epidural. It took about 15 min, they came in gave it to her and broke her water. Almost immediately, Abram had a big decel in heart rate. They had her turn on her side and put the O2 on her. It worked for about 15 sec and then his heart rate skyrocketed. They put on an internal monitor and found it was even higher 220+ and not coming down. The doctor said he was going to watch it for 2 min and if it didn't come down, they would head for the OR. He checked her again, about 15 secs after he said that, and she was bleeding dark red blood. He said "That's it! Let's move!" He told us he thought there was a possible placental abruption. They took her back and so began the scariest 35 min of my life! It's impossible to describe what it's like to sit in an empty labor room, staring at a clock tick, while fearing for the lives of your unborn child and your best friend. Makes me cry just thinking about that morning. We went from arriving at the hospital at 6am to delivery by emergency c-section at 7:17am. He came out screaming and good. Doctor really thinks the placenta had begun to detach early. The whole thing could have ended much differently, but I'm ecstatic to report that both Abram and Dawn are well. God is so good!

Abram stayed for a mere 24 hours, being born at 37 weeks 1 day (not too shabby on timing :). He's a delightful baby and nursing is going wonderfully. Aside from his very first feeding post-birth (by the nurses in the nursery..ugh!), he has been exclusively breastfed! We are now a happy family of 5.

Without further ado, presenting James "Abram" Bello, born November 29, 2009 at 7:17am, weighing 7lbs 7oz and 19 3/4 in long. Carried, with love, for nine months by his surro-mom, Dawn.

Family/Surrogacy Pictures

We got together with Dawn and her family last weekend to take some pictures. My dear friend Rachel manned (womanned?) the camera and we got some great shots. Dawn is 34 weeks pregnant in these...

The above picture is all the kids, Dawn's and mine, hands on her ever growing belly. I love it. It reminds me of all the love it took to get here and how this really has been a joint effort between two families. Surrogacy, specifically Dawn, has blessed me more than I could ever put into words. I am looking forward to holding our sweet boy in the next few weeks and seeing the joy on both our families' faces when each of us sees him for the first time. He is one fortunate little guy to have so many people love him already!

Halloween '09

Saturday, we headed to our dear friends', Rachel and Tony's, for what is becoming our Halloween tradition. We meet for dinner, trick-or-treating, and then Rachel and I set up for what our church lovingly calls the "after party". Our church does our October outreach on Halloween night. Three or four families volunteer to have large bounce houses set up in front of their homes during trick-or-treat hours and as kids come to bounce and get candy, members or our church give their parents pamphlets telling them about us. Rachel decided last year that she would invite all of the church over to their home afterwards for a party and I volunteered to help her get ready. It's a great time. This year her girls were a princess and a vampiress (?). My Blaine was a ninja and Aubrey was Dorothy from the "Wizard of Oz". One other friend from church, a witch, came by to trick-or-treat with the kids and they were off. Everyone had a great time (even though early on Blaine fell and busted up most of the movable joints on his body. One day that boy will learn that he's too clumsy to run!). Rachel, being the smart person she is, snapped this picture. I'm a horrible mom and took none. I don't normally think that Aubrey and Blaine look alike, but in this picture, I think they do. I cannot wait to see who Abram looks like in four short weeks!