Thursday, May 12, 2011


The thing I've probably heard the most this week is "You are so strong!" I in no way, shape, or form feel the least bit strong. In fact, I feel like I'm a weak, sniffling mess. I was telling my friend, Lori, this and said "If I seem strong, it's only because I have no other choice." She replied with, "Maybe God made you strong because He knew you'd have to be." I had never thought of it like that. Somehow it gives me comfort.

My pre-op on Tuesday was so incredibly emotionally draining. I sat there thinking over and over again, "This is not real. This cannot be happening." Everyone I came into contact with was so caring and nice. They reassured me over and over again that I'm going to be okay. They require me to wear a big red bracelet from now until surgery that pairs me with the blood they have ordered for me. I hate it. It is an ever constant reminder that this is indeed happening. Brandon called it demoralizing. That pretty much sums it up.

In other news, my PET scan was moved to tomorrow morning. We had some issues with the first facility and decided to move it to the hospital where I will have surgery. This means I will likely not get my results until Dr. Bremer comes in to speak with us before surgery. I have mixed feelings about this. I am okay with waiting a few days more and not thinking about it over my last weekend for a while. However, I hate that we will potentially be getting some devastating news just before I go under. Me, having no time to take it all in, and Brandon, not getting to talk with me about it and hold me while we both cry-good or bad. So, I'm praying they get it done and we get the news Monday.

Thank you to everyone who is praying. I cannot tell you what it means to us.

Saturday, May 7, 2011

The Metamorphsis of a Blog...

It's been awhile.  Life takes so many twists and turns.  I've always liked the seasons analogy.  We float along between winter, spring, summer, and fall.  Each season of our life lasting a brief moment in time until the next comes along.  We have entered a new season.

Since the birth of Abram, we've been soaking up the sun of summer.  He is pure joy to be around.  Life is good with him in it.  Since my last post, we built and moved into our dream home, we began homeschooling our two older children, and we have made Houston our home.

I started this blog years ago, way before blogging was cool.  I was suffering from insomnia and blogging gave me a way to get my thoughts out of my head and clear my mind just enough to sleep.  I liked to write about the cute things my toddlers did and said and keep my family updated on all of the goings on in our lives.  Then, came surrogacy.  I loved using it to chronicle our journey to our third child.  I began sleeping (or being up with a baby) and life just became, well, life.  I'm back because I need a place to journal everything going on inside of me.  A place to put my thoughts and visit them as necessary (and hopefully get some sleep in the process).  Our fall...

I started feeling bad at the beginning of the year.  I seemed to jump from sickness to sickness and just couldn't get well.  By the end of February, I decided the incredible fatigue I was feeling, the heart palpitations, and strange pains needed to be dealt with.  I'll spare you the incredible frustration of the last two months and bring you to today.  I have a tumor in my chest.  That has not gotten easier to type or say.  Doctors believed it is what is called a thymoma.  We don't yet know if this mass is benign or malignant.  It has the potential to be either, with about the same odds of each.  Either way, I will have a full body PET scan this coming Thursday to look for evidence of cancer cells and a serious operation the following Tuesday, May 17.  The thymoma sits directly behind my breastbone and just above my heart.  Even if benign, it has to be removed.  No other options.  This will involve open heart surgery.  Needless to say, I'm nervous, scared, anxious, hopeful, and, ashamed to say, angry.  We have been through so much and life was just getting good.  This is not supposed to be happening, yet I wake up each day and it is.  It is absolutely unbelievable.

So, I'm writing again.  I'm going to use this ol' blog to get my feelings out: anxiety, nervousness, fear, hope, anger, and all.  Once again, my blog has transformed.  Let's hope the next time it's spring.