Tuesday, April 28, 2009
But, I've never been here before. This surrogacy journey has done things to me, already, that I cannot explain. I am without words. We went in today for our second ultrasound. Standing there looking at that black and white screen, I was overcome. There, in front of my eyes, was the child I have longed for, ached for in the deepest part of my soul for nearly 4 years. Amongst, the grainy, grey sea, a black void and within it, a perfectly tiny body. Within that perfectly tiny body, an itsy bitsy flicker that changed me forever...one perfectly formed, beating heart. I really can't describe what that moment was like, much less put it in comprehensible form for all to read. The thought that when we are but the size of a grain of rice, our heart begins to beat is mind blowing. That before we are fully formed, before any of our other organs function, our heart beats is incredible. I think there is a huge significance to the order in which we develop. The Bible tells us that God knows us even before we are formed in the womb and to think that while we went about our daily lives in the last week, doing our ordinary things, God started a tiny heart beating, well, I'm speechless. All I know to do is cry out to the God that loves me so much and thank Him for healing me from years of longing and breathing life into that tiny miracle.
Wednesday, April 22, 2009
Now, I'm going to try to get myself motivated enough to clean this messy house and take a much needed shower. Wish me luck :)
Monday, April 20, 2009
On a MUCH happier note, our ultrasound is tomorrow morning. I am so excited to be able to get a look at what is ahead of us :) Maybe God will provide all I am asking for through this miraculous journey.
Thursday, April 16, 2009
Let me just say that Dawn + our embryos=an incredible team! For those of you who know nothing about beta numbers, that is fantastic! They're well above the curve and we have a doubling time of 36 hours! Dr. G wants her to be tested again tomorrow morning and after we get that number, we'll schedule the ultrasound, but it looks like it will be Monday! I am so stinkin' excited!
Tuesday, April 14, 2009
Wednesday, April 8, 2009
Dawn and me
Brandon and me, dressed for the occasion :)
Dawn and Roger, dressed to impress!
After transfer, Dawn was on bed rest for three days. I took the opportunity to spend the days with her, hanging out and talking. It was really nice! Saturday, she was released to be upright again. We ventured into Houston to have lunch with some great ladies from the surrogacy community plus, Kelly and Vera. We had a great time and I tried sushi for the first time (don't know if I will again, but I impressed myself with my bravery!). Sunday, our families, plus Kelly and Vera (who are pretty much family, at this point!) had lunch and we decided we could not wait anymore...we had to test. It was way early, but we decided to get our negative out of the way, so we did. Monday, Dawn and two of her children came down with a terrible stomach bug. I was sick, too, but mine had to do with hyperstimulation of my ovaries (I'm on the mend now). Late Monday afternoon, the call came. Dr. G's nurse called and said that neither of our remaining embryos made it to freeze. It was a horrible end to a horrible day. Brandon and I were both heartbroken. It was a total shock and something I could have never prepared myself for. I really had no idea that I would instantly feel the way I do for those four embryos. I had no idea I would need to grieve for the two we lost. I don't know if it's something you can understand unless you've been there. I know I didn't. My mind began running with the "what-ifs" and began to wonder about the two we transferred...whether either of them were okay. Dawn and Roger were so wonderful and through this process have really felt everything along with us: the joy, excitement, frustration, worry, mourning, and all out terror...I'm sure there is a lot more to come, but I am so thankful for both of them! Dawn felt pregnant and said she was sure she was pregnant. She tested Monday night and got a faint positive! We tested three times yesterday: morning, noon, and night...all positive and getting darker! Dawn is definitely pregnant!!! In a matter of hours, God took our mourning and gave us hope! I am in complete awe of Him and the way He works all things to the good. Dawn will have her blood work done on Wednesday, the 15th and we'll find out about an ultrasound then. I cannot wait to see our baby (or babies!) and know that all is well!