Saturday, July 25, 2009

Ramblings of an emotional, not pregnant woman :)

I have a bad habit. Okay, I have more than one, but one in particular that is getting to me. I read about surrogacy- a lot. I get on google and read up on what different religious views are on surrogacy. I read about what people who are born to surrogates say. I read a lot about the maternal fetal bond and what that means. I read what critics of surrogacy say. Anytime there is an article by some nutcase that has no clue what surrogacy really is, I read it. I have a problem. This is really starting to take a toll on me. It's bad enough that there are ignorant people, whom I know in real life that I have to deal with, I don't need to get myself all worked up over people on the internet. I want so badly to be an advocate for surrogacy, but then I read and realize how far we have to come and I'm just not in the emotional state to defend myself. It is impossible to describe how I feel right now. The best word would be overjoyed, but that doesn't even do it completely. I read all the negative and I don't understand how people can't see the good in this process. I'm not an idiot either- I know some surrogacy agreements are less than ideal, but why are those the ones that the general public wants to focus on?!

And then there's real life...Dawn and I have a loving, mutually respectful relationship, no, friendship. I can't birth my own child. She can. She has given something that most people would never and instead of saying things like "Wow! You are a great person for doing that!" People say things like, "I could never give up a baby!" Seriously!? It's a good thing I didn't put my baby in you then! And on my side, I get the "You sure are doing it the right way! I hate being pregnant!" Are you kidding me!? Do people really think I'm that shallow!? Like I wouldn't give all that I have to be the one carrying my own child! Don't say things until you've thought them through! Pregnancy may not be a walk in the park for some people (I was not a happy, glowy pregnant woman.), but good grief! Who wouldn't want to carry their own child! And then I get the "What an easy way to have a baby!" Ughhhhh!!! Educate yourself! This process is far from easy! I could sit here all day and talk about all that we've gone through to get to this point, but I won't. It doesn't take a genius to figure out that it is not easy finding someone we trust to carry our child, impregnating another woman with our biological child, etc. And don't get me started on the financial aspects and the things people have the nerve to say about that. We are not so wealthy we had nothing better to do with our money! We saved for two years and have done without some things because having another child was a priority for us. That's what you do when something means everything to you. And, NO, I am NOT worried that "she will keep the baby!" I did take the time to talk to her about that and know her just a bit better than you who have never even met her. But in case you're still worried about my character judgement and her intentions, yes, we did go to court and yes, the baby is legally and biologically ours- that was part of that "easy" process you referred to earlier in our conversation.

I apologize for my venting. I just had to get it out and if you read here, you're probably not one of the people who have offended me. I'm working on letting it all go and chalking it up to the fact that people will say anything when they don't know what to say. I'm also trying to stay away from surrogacy on the internet and let God handle the rest. I'm a work in progress...


The Mamabunny said...

WOW. I am stunned by your comment, and how much we have in common. I also do ALL the reading I possibly can, and I think I will definitely add your blog to one of my sources. I can't wait to read more and get to know you, especially because I really admire the thoughts you expressed and the way you consider your journey in this post.

Hope you don't mind, I added a link to you on A Big Sister in Heaven! And thanks so much for stopping in there and commenting!!!


Allison said...

Heather, I'm so sorry people are saying stupid things to you. I've not really had that experience yet, maybe because we're not pregnant yet either. I'm sure it will hurt my feelings if someone would say those things to me. Hang in there girl.....I'm thinking about you.

Jennifer said...

People say the stupidest things, when they have absolutely no idea what they are talking about! I can't imagine the frustration you are feeling, but I am so sorry for it!

I, on the other hand, keep getting the "I can't believe you'd give up your baby" comments. I'm like, uh, have you listened to anything I've said? Its not MY baby, so I am not giving up anything, except 9 months of my life. And, in turn, I am giving a couple the chance to be a family. I feel so honored & blessed to have this opportunity, and to know that someone had entrusted me with the life of their little one!! What an honor & a privilege!

And it is my hope that I am showing my children what it means to truly give of yourself for someone else. They are so excited about this journey...

And I know that Dawn probably feels the same way about being the surro mom to your little guy :)

Blessings & prayers for you...and for heaven's sake, stay away from the internet girl!!!

Dawn said...

"Aren't you afraid she'll keep the baby?" What a LOW blow to me and other surrogates who risk so much of themselves for others.
It makes me so sad. But I too, Heather, take what people say on the net and face to face way too personal. It's their problem, not ours. You've created a beautifully, perfect baby (through God's will, of course) and I am in the process of carrying him so lovingly (through God's will of course ; ) ...that together, in December, WE, God, you, Brandon, Me and Roger will have come full circle in the miraculous conception and delivery of your son...I believe mouths will be left hanging wide open when slapped with reality of what surrogacy, love, really is.
My favorite verse:
"Let us not love in word or in tongue but in deed and in truth."1 John 3:18.
I'd like to see the people who have debatable attitudes actually put actions behind their words. They couldn't withstand selflessness they would need to put forth to fulfill such an enduring, life altering, life changing task. You are and you will prevail from this my friend, with a beautifully, perfect son to hold, to look into his eyes and see your own. You will come out on the other end knowing you did everything in your power to ensure the safe delivery of your son. No one should ever question you, your judgement or your intentions.
Hold tight to Abrams pics and his gDiapers, your gonna be mommy soon despite what judgments or debates you are faced with!
I love you!!