Speechless, Astonished, and Amazed...

I have been blogging for 4 years. I don't have a huge following, but I do have a devoted group of friends and family (hi, Mom!) that like to read what I have to say. I love blogging. For me, it's been an outlet. I blog like some would keep a journal or diary. It's a place for me to chronicle our lives, vent, and share. I like to write and I am not usually one to be at a loss for words.

But, I've never been here before. This surrogacy journey has done things to me, already, that I cannot explain. I am without words. We went in today for our second ultrasound. Standing there looking at that black and white screen, I was overcome. There, in front of my eyes, was the child I have longed for, ached for in the deepest part of my soul for nearly 4 years. Amongst, the grainy, grey sea, a black void and within it, a perfectly tiny body. Within that perfectly tiny body, an itsy bitsy flicker that changed me forever...one perfectly formed, beating heart. I really can't describe what that moment was like, much less put it in comprehensible form for all to read. The thought that when we are but the size of a grain of rice, our heart begins to beat is mind blowing. That before we are fully formed, before any of our other organs function, our heart beats is incredible. I think there is a huge significance to the order in which we develop. The Bible tells us that God knows us even before we are formed in the womb and to think that while we went about our daily lives in the last week, doing our ordinary things, God started a tiny heart beating, well, I'm speechless. All I know to do is cry out to the God that loves me so much and thank Him for healing me from years of longing and breathing life into that tiny miracle.

Yesterday...

We had our first ultrasound! It was amazing! We were able to see one beautiful gestational sac and fetal pole. We go back next Tuesday, the 28th, for a repeat. By then, we should be able to see our baby's heartbeat. I am so blessed!

Now, I'm going to try to get myself motivated enough to clean this messy house and take a much needed shower. Wish me luck :)

A Complete and Utter Lack of Motivation...

Something is very "off". I can't put my finger on it, but I feel like the weight of the world has found a resting place firmly on my shoulders. I am exhausted. I am pretty sure I could stay in bed 24 hours a day and still be tired. I've had a headache since Friday and just can't seem to "wake up". Things were going along great and then the rain came Friday afternoon, I've been at a loss since. I am praying that God will give me peace about all the different situations I'm dealing with and energy to do what has to be done. Above all, I am praying for a healing of relationships that seem strained.

On a MUCH happier note, our ultrasound is tomorrow morning. I am so excited to be able to get a look at what is ahead of us :) Maybe God will provide all I am asking for through this miraculous journey.

Beta #2...

14 days past 3 day transfer...862!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Let me just say that Dawn + our embryos=an incredible team! For those of you who know nothing about beta numbers, that is fantastic! They're well above the curve and we have a doubling time of 36 hours! Dr. G wants her to be tested again tomorrow morning and after we get that number, we'll schedule the ultrasound, but it looks like it will be Monday! I am so stinkin' excited!

The 1st Beta is Back...

Yesterday's beta (measurement of pregnancy hormone in the body), at 12 days past 3 day transfer was...345! For those of you not obsessed with beta numbers, that is GREAT! There is at least one strong baby in there, possibly more :) Dawn goes in tomorrow for a repeat. The number should double every 48 hours (usually less for multiples). We'll have an idea of the doubling time tomorrow and hopefully then we'll find out when our first ultrasound will be! I cannot wait!!!

This Week Has Been a Ride...

I've been absent because, well, I've been without words. I know it's hard to believe, but the past week has left me speechless. We transferred two excellent embryos last Wednesday morning. It was an awesome day. Dawn was gracious enough to not only allow Brandon and I to be in the room for the procedure, but to advocate for us to be there. It was a truly life changing experience. We were able to watch as our two beautiful babies were gently put into Dawn's uterus to hopefully make a home for the next nine months! Neither of us will ever forget it! We took some time to have a little fun while waiting...

Brandon and me

Dawn and me

Brandon and me, dressed for the occasion :)

Dawn and Roger, dressed to impress!

After transfer, Dawn was on bed rest for three days. I took the opportunity to spend the days with her, hanging out and talking. It was really nice! Saturday, she was released to be upright again. We ventured into Houston to have lunch with some great ladies from the surrogacy community plus, Kelly and Vera. We had a great time and I tried sushi for the first time (don't know if I will again, but I impressed myself with my bravery!). Sunday, our families, plus Kelly and Vera (who are pretty much family, at this point!) had lunch and we decided we could not wait anymore...we had to test. It was way early, but we decided to get our negative out of the way, so we did. Monday, Dawn and two of her children came down with a terrible stomach bug. I was sick, too, but mine had to do with hyperstimulation of my ovaries (I'm on the mend now). Late Monday afternoon, the call came. Dr. G's nurse called and said that neither of our remaining embryos made it to freeze. It was a horrible end to a horrible day. Brandon and I were both heartbroken. It was a total shock and something I could have never prepared myself for. I really had no idea that I would instantly feel the way I do for those four embryos. I had no idea I would need to grieve for the two we lost. I don't know if it's something you can understand unless you've been there. I know I didn't. My mind began running with the "what-ifs" and began to wonder about the two we transferred...whether either of them were okay. Dawn and Roger were so wonderful and through this process have really felt everything along with us: the joy, excitement, frustration, worry, mourning, and all out terror...I'm sure there is a lot more to come, but I am so thankful for both of them! Dawn felt pregnant and said she was sure she was pregnant. She tested Monday night and got a faint positive! We tested three times yesterday: morning, noon, and night...all positive and getting darker! Dawn is definitely pregnant!!! In a matter of hours, God took our mourning and gave us hope! I am in complete awe of Him and the way He works all things to the good. Dawn will have her blood work done on Wednesday, the 15th and we'll find out about an ultrasound then. I cannot wait to see our baby (or babies!) and know that all is well!