I started a Beth Moore Bible study this week with a group of wonderful ladies from church. We are doing "Beloved Disciple: The Life and Ministry of John". I think I'm going to really like this study and the Lord knows how badly I need it. There have been few times in my life that I think I have been this sad, I can only think of three others (and those were completely justified by anyone standards!). I just can't seem to pull out. The difference between this time and those others is that I can actually stop and think about all I have to be thankful for and it seems so ridiculous that I could be this upset. I have a wonderful, loving husband who would do anything for me. I have two of the most awesome children in the world. We live in a great home and have been financially blessed beyond my wildest dreams. Both Brandon and I have wonderful, loving families who care for us and would be here in an instant if we needed them. Our church family is the absolute greatest. I really could never brag on them enough. They love us as though we were blood. They have blessed us in ways I never knew possible and I love them more than I could say. I have friends near and far who love me and wish me well with phone calls and emails constantly. My pre-op pain is completely gone and I am "healed" in that respect. So why am I so sad? I am a stay at home wife and mother. Taking care of my husband and children and keeping our house a home is what I do. It is my only job and right now, I cannot do it. I sit here all day and look around at how I am failing in this area. I know it's through no fault of my own, but it's there none the less. This week in the introduction to our new Bible study, Beth Moore spoke about a dear friend of hers that passed away suddenly and how this friend's husband asked Beth to look through her Bible study notes and comprise a eulogy for her out of her own words (what a neat thought!). One thing Beth found in those notes that really spoke to me was a passage her friend wrote saying, "God truly is the ultimate shame destroyer and the lover of the lame." Both of these really struck a chord with me. If you don't know my testimony, I'd be glad to share it with you and maybe one day I'll post it on here, but the thought of God being the "ultimate shame destroyer" is one that will always resonate with me. It's the reason I'm even here today. And for this season, "the lover of the lame" is something I'm going to cling to.
Last night at prayer meeting I was reminded of Psalm 100. Here is what it says:
A psalm. For giving thanks.
1 Shout for joy to the LORD, all the earth.
2 Worship the LORD with gladness; come before him with joyful songs.
3 Know that the LORD is God. It is he who made us, and we are his; we are his people, the sheep of his pasture.
4 Enter his gates with thanksgiving and his courts with praise; give thanks to him and praise his name.
5 For the LORD is good and his love endures forever; his faithfulness continues through all generations.
This is such a beautiful reminder. The Lord is good and His love never fails no matter what we have been or are going through. One of my favorite lines from any song ever (and I am a HUGE music person) is from Chris Tomlin's "Indescribable" where he says "You see the depths of my heart and You love me the same. You are amazing God." There is NO one else in all the universe that we could say that about besides God. No matter how your mother or your spouse love you (I use those two because they seem to be the closest you could get), they will never love you the way God loves you. Only we and God know the depths of our hearts and can understand how huge a thing it is to say that a perfect God could know that and love us as though we were blemish free because in His eyes, we are through the saving, redeeming, and perfect sacrifice of His son, Jesus Christ.
So for me, for now, I'm going to choose to think on the things of God and fight with all I have to stay away and out of the pit of despair that I am so desperately dangling on the edge of. And if you are reading this and you don't know the love that I'm speaking of and want more or you just need someone to talk to, someone who is right there with you, write me- firstname.lastname@example.org